Yesterday was one of those perfect late summer days, clear and warm and breezy and delicious. It was a perfect picnic and playground kind of day. A living in the moment kind of day. So (of course) we left all of our farm chores until after dark, when everyone was cranky and hungry and on the verge of falling apart. Like ya do.
So after I've put everyone back together, to the best of my farm wifely ability, I am left here pondering the whole idea of living in the moment. I've often found myself to be too good at staying in the present. Sunshine on bare skin, the juicy crunch of a freshly picked apple, the weight of my friend's brand new baby on my chest- it's as if these sensations conspire to distract me from the activities of responsible adult life. Like keeping my blog updated, par example. And yet, this is the thing I am most often yelling at the kids for. "Stop splashing in the tub." "Quit playing in the sink and just brush your teeth!" "That's a pitchfork, not a light saber!!!" Yes, I know it is my job to keep them safe and nourished and healthy, of course I have to guide them. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the jumble of dragon-mama emotions that feeds the stream of parenting catch phrases. It's not only lazy and kind of self-indulgent and, well, tacky, but it's also ultimately hypocritical. And if there's one thing I have a hard time justifying, it's hypocrisy.
So tonight, as I watched those little boys sleeping, two tangles of stuffed creatures and legos and impossibly long limbs (how did they get so BIG?), I vowed for millionth time that tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow I will let them collect the eggs in a knight's helmet, and protect themselves from Chickenzilla with a light saber, or whatever else they feel they need. Tomorrow I won't put a time limit on teeth brushing, and if someone misses the bus... well, then I'll have 10 extra minutes to spend with him while I drive him to school. And I know I can't create a perfect utopian life, or even day, but maybe we'll have a few moments, in which we are all fully present, and, you know, together.
1 comment:
Katie... Just reading your blog for the first time. Love it, by the way. And anyway, when I saw this entry, I couldn't help but think that you have summarized motherhood completely... I always feel so bad for getting mad at the kids for being kids. And I'm always telling myself to just let them be (while only a few minutes later yelling at them to stop (fill in the blank). I love that other people feel the same way and have similar experiences. Makes me feel more human, you know??
BTW, did you make it to Amherst last weekend? Obviously, since I am asking, I did not :( Though, I admit, that since my little sister went to UMass, I've been back since the good ole days and things there haven't really changed. Probably won't...
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